The Life and Times of Alex Deckard
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
alex's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Friday, April 14th, 2006 | | 8:12 pm |
Since spring break, there hasn't been any real food in CLub 80. Absolutely none. The past week when i've openned up the refrig all I have seen is a 12 pack of Heinken and condiments, ketchup, mustard, mayo, jalopeno ranch dressing. While most of the time I laugh at it, thinking what a fantasic typical college refirgarator. But then there are other times where I'm pissed becaues I"m hungry. | | Sunday, March 19th, 2006 | | 5:06 pm |
yeah, yeah, yeah.
this might go down as the best spring break ever. I loved the mountains and I love spending time with the team. I dare say, as a team we are better for it. Maybe that's being romantic and overly movie esq. Either way, it was fun times and i can't wait to rub it in my other teammate's face that they didn't come. Now I'm sitting in anne's dorm waiting for her to get done with her WFR course. Now at this time i want to talk about how devoted as a boyfriend i am: -drove to see her -picked her up from class -went to the review session with her (she asked me to, it was hell) -took her to dinner -stay today to spend the night with her again all in all, bask in the glow of my devotion to her. one day, strive to be like me. i can't believe i'm actually this bored. | | Thursday, March 9th, 2006 | | 2:27 am |
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree
I always knew I was like my father; usually i only attributed that factor to my sense of humor. I've said it before, when people meet my father they turn to me and say something to the effect of "now I understand where you got it." I'm also similar to my parents in the sense of their anger. My parents both have quick tempers, and I always thought I didn't. I always thought my anger was like a combonation of both of theirs, a slow burn. But as I'm older, I realize my anger isn't as slow as I've always thought or hoped for. I can still get angry in a flash. Usually those fires are started my people close to me. The closer someone is, the greater they can hurt me. I realize this isn't a breaking news story. Psychologist aren't going to be banging on my door after that sentence. That's a pretty common knowledge. For myself its like a direct relationship, the closer someone is the greater the potential it is for me to get angry or hurt. I always attributed those things to my parents. On thing my family never understood about my father is he is quite sensitive. He doesn't like to be corrected on little gramatical points for example. Also we joke about that if you don't like his cooking my dad hears "you don't like me." That point comes from my grandmother, being overly sensitive about certain things. Well, that cute little genetic factor has managed to find its way into my wonderful genome. This goes along with my anger, that as much as I like to joke around and basically be a jackass to my friends under the guise of "humor," I really can't take it. I dish it out all the time, but man alive I hate taking it. Most the time i can quell hurt feelings and convince myself that I am indeed being a baby and this is my friend and we are only joking around. Like every once in a while Benji and I will have little verbal jabs at each other and sure enough I feel my blood boil a bit. Another example, I pick on Katie Wirth all the time, and I cannot stand it when she fires back. God bless for her patience in that situation. I've learned this gem of myself, because of my long distance relationship. One of the hardest parts is making up. Fights are always on the horizon about something. Always, that's just the nature of the beast and especially since apparently I'm a jealous monster. But the make up, it takes days. With another argument, when you are present, you can kiss and make up. That phrase aside, that physical touch is so important (at least to me it is). That touch says "everything will be ok, i'm not mad anymore, i still want you." Without that touch, all you got is words, and sometimes those words aren't said, just glossed over. For years, I have walked around as a calloused man, a man's man disattached from his feelings. Or at least the shell I've put on. I've kept people especially girlfriends at distances. Sometimes I wonder if other people feel things deeper then I do. And if that's true, I wonder why or how I came to be this way. It's like there is this level that no one has broken into, gotten into. It's the me.* Did I just contradict myself? Maybe. I just talked about how i'm a sensitive guy then just said I am calloused. What I mean by sensitive, I'm easy to bruise I guess momentarily. Things can irk me fast. But calloused.... ....What I'm trying to say there is I don't know if i feel heartaches as deeply as other people. I don't think I feel love as harder as others. I think I'm in the middle of this scale of emotions where nothing gets out of control, no extremes. Or thos extremes are harder to come by. I went to school the day i found out my grandfather die. .... I see images in our society of people being wracked with grief especially over a break up with a significant other. Like their whole being is not darker because of this event. I've never felt that. Here's why, and I think this is the way it's supposed to be-- how God intented it to be. (is it possible to avoid cheesy church words at this point? its hard because those words are cliche because they are true. But they've been used soo much that the truth has been sacrificed) Ok, so where to start? What's my point? Lets start at the end and work back. point- my identity is based not on anything else besides Jesus. (the whole rock thing). SO what that means IS when i get loops on the track, forks in the road, shots in the nuts, figuratily speaking, I'm not down for the count. Sure the rug is pulled up from under me, but I've still got a wonderful friend in Jesus. Like the deal isn't "i'm a bad person because person A doesn't like me anymore" or "i'm stupid because I got a bad grade on this test" or "I'm not anything because I didn't get this job/team/position>" I always have "i am saved because God loved me first. So eventhough this terrible/wonderful/fantastic event happened, I'm a good because God loved me first. And I am saved because of that." SO eventhough I've got a beautiful girl that loves me, that doesn't make me special. SO eventhough I've got a wonderful family that supports me, that doesn't make me special. SO eventhough I've got great oppritunities both socio-economically and mentally, I'm not special. SO eventhough I'm surronded my friends that respect and like me, I'm not special. i am not special, I AM LOVED! Circa four and a half years ago I made a seemingly simple decision. In laymans, to adopt not a belief system, not a set of rules, but to accept a new life, a new nature, a new mind. I chose to submit to a higher order to allow what my soul become what it was truly meant to me by the orginal plan by GOD. I chose to follow Jesus's tenants for the rest of my life, to allow something else to supercede my will, to kneel. In that submission, comes a spectacular freedom. That freedom is a choice, that's what freedom is. That submission released myself from my own will. I now have the choice to follow my own heart or something very much so loftier. Follow my dark path, or the light. That's kinda cool, and I didn't expect to end here when I stated 45 mintues ago. I guess I've got some Southern Baptist Preachin' in me after all. | | Sunday, February 19th, 2006 | | 11:17 pm |
whoops
So I'm pretty sure people don't like me when I'm drunk. I'm a violent drunk both physically and verbally. That's gay. | | Saturday, February 11th, 2006 | | 10:37 pm |
float on
I feel like its going to be an angry couple of days ahead. Probably really angry. I'm just so tired, I'm just so worn down. This break up with anne is really taking it out of me. Like the only emotions i have left to express are anger, jealousy, selfishness. I don't want to do anything; I just want to float through the day grumpy. I've got no motivation today; like at all. And the best part is I don't want to invest in anyone or anything. I don't want to share this with anyone. Is there really any advice left to give me? Because I don't think so. Just exhausted. I don't want to tell anyone what's going on because i don't want to have to listen; i don't want to have to open up and tell anyone why i'm grumpy and hurt. As crappy as it sounds i really don't want to support anyone elses problems. I'm sorry; I am. ANd its not like anyone's been chewing my ear off. I just don't care about anything right now. | | Sunday, February 5th, 2006 | | 12:36 am |
pootastic
Truthfully, I've been walking around campus expecting more people to stop me and say "man, were you in that zombie movie? It was awesome." But that's only because i love attention. | | Wednesday, February 1st, 2006 | | 1:01 am |
| | Saturday, January 28th, 2006 | | 10:26 am |
DYING DAYS
CampusMovieFest... what have we come to? We've gone from western to musical to zombies. Its not done yet, but the editting has always gotten done... no thanks to me. I was the main character this time. How? because i looked the part and nothing more. I think this thing made me sick. I have a headache and i'm all congested. Man, if we pull this thing off... stars in our futures. | | Monday, December 26th, 2005 | | 12:52 pm |
I'm in a tailspin right now. I want this growing experience to be over right now. I"ve never had so many fundamental doubts in my life. Why did you let this happen? Why am i going through this now? Why does this hurt so much? Am I being punished? What God have I decided to follow? Do I want to keep this up? GOD, who are you? I'm kinda miserable. But I know deep down around my heart that the only choice is God. That my only hope for salvation, for joy again, for anything is to follow him. I'm just getting bogged down by what? I'm years old and I'm sick and tired of breaking up. I hate either side of it. I don't want to go through it anymore. I don't want to meet someone knew. I don't want to go through that. I guess I'm really sick of my sin, of myself. I'm tired of coming up short, but that is what life is. Its trying hard. I'm convinced that in Christianity some effort is required. Some responsibility is on the disciple. I believe that God will give you the strength and the wisdom to follow him, but the person does have to chose. Although i will note no one can earn their salvation. That's grace and free and undeserving. I really like anne archer. And I miss her. Why is this just like Emily Beggs? What does that mean? | | Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 | | 3:13 am |
and.. merry christmas
I'm way over break ups. I'm way over meeting new people. I'm way over a lot of things. ... but not you. (good answer?) I'm f'n single. | | Sunday, December 18th, 2005 | | 2:51 pm |
really?
I just woke up... its two thirty in the afternoon. how does that even happen? well so much for sunday. are we playing frisbee ever? if so, when? | | Friday, December 16th, 2005 | | 12:24 pm |
nards
Ok, i hate finals week not because of the added stress, not because of all the hard finals... ... i hate finals because i'm so f'n bored. Nothing is going on this week. Oh my gosh, i'm so bored. I just ate some cereal. | | Thursday, November 24th, 2005 | | 3:37 pm |
i want two... no, three things to happen this break. 1) ultimate 2) UGA/GT at danny's jewish palace 3) kyle not to throw up two out of three ain't bad either. | | Monday, November 14th, 2005 | | 11:45 am |
brain dump
Even i get nervous sometimes. I have decided to stay an extra year at college to get a double-- religion and history. With an unofficial degree in not growing up and playing frisbee. I'm actually worried about classes now. For religion I have 3 semesters to get 21 hours. And I can't get into any religion classes. And I'm worried because next year I'll be paying... or helping my parents pay either way its job time. ONe option is to not go to school next semester but only in the spring. That way i don't pay for tuition in the fall and I'm pretty sure i could flex some ultimate frisbee networking and get a job doing construction. That would bring in some cash, wouldn't it? And considering the dry employment market in athens that wouldn't be so bad.... You know, my schedule is shaping up only tues/thurs class. So i could still go to school next semester and work consturction those three days? Now, that's hoping. The point is i'm not trusting God, that's why I'm worried. My parents may not be too happy with the idea (heck neither am I) if I go four and a half years of college and don't get a degree BUT i'm exactly where God wants me, then, good. Where else can I be? nowhere. If God is for me, who can be against me? (that's romans 8 somewhere) Last night I watched a tattoo show on TLC, Miami Ink. They look so cool. Then this morning i thought it would be really cool to cover my body with bible verses. But in secret spots like Psalm 118 on my back. I've gained weight because 1) i've been lifting again so more muslce 2) alcohol and sweets. I do love sweets. Last year my kick was worrying about being mediocre. I've gotten over that. I'm starting to get into a servant kick and thinking about what that means and how i should show that. Notice: just because i am thinking about it does not mean i am doing it. But Christ was a servant, so should I. (The last paragraph is in no way revolutionary at all. The church has been teaching it for years.) Recently I've been learning how to forgive and forget. If i were to have an "art" it would be language and putting words together which makes me sad because sometimes i really flub over sentences and most the time i misuse the craft to talk about hammer darts. I miss Stephen. Long distance things are hard. I don't like messing up. Whenever i try not to do wrong, i do the very thing i am trying not to do. (that's sin.) | | Monday, November 7th, 2005 | | 4:56 pm |
center?
It only cost me about an hour and a half of my time and 62 dollars from my pocket to learn absolutely nothing is wrong with my knee. thanks health center | | Sunday, November 6th, 2005 | | 6:16 pm |
f'n fers
I have never been more terrified as when i jammed my knee this afternoon playing ultimate. It hurts. I can walk on it and i heard no pop. That's good. right? right? | | Monday, October 31st, 2005 | | 9:56 am |
I'm Good at Darts
I really do love mountains especially Black Mountain. Its turned into this haven, this safe harbor. There's nothing bad, just a pure spot in my life right now. In the past i've been anxious to come home but not this weekend. I just wanted to stay. Duty called me back... stupid test tomorrow. Itssuch a strange thing to immediately feel better on I-40 after i pass the Swannanoa exit, go past sleeping Burt. Its just so much better up there. I love the people, i love the geography. At least I have frisbee. | | Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 | | 11:28 am |
| | Saturday, October 15th, 2005 | | 2:13 pm |
| | Wednesday, October 12th, 2005 | | 8:12 pm |
|
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
dawgdisk07's journal